I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hippo gnu deer
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
