Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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