im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
