everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
