Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
