I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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