So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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