You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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