having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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