tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
