You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
