just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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