My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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