Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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