His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
