I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
