The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
