dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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