Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
