I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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