it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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