so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
