She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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