So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
