You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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