My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
