i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
