If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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