Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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