They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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