It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
