Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
