I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
