Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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