and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
