Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
