Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So much Jack, so little girl.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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