He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
