There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
