I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
