If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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