Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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