shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
