if i can run in heels then i can drive
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
