that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You made out with two different species that night
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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