i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
