I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
