the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
