matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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