In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
