She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
